What It's Really Like!!
What It's Really Like to Use a Strap-On Dildo
Queer women have sex in all different types of ways, but sex with a strap-on dildo is definitely high-ranking for many of them. (If you're curious how straight women use strap-ons, check out What Women Really Think About Pegging.) In this week's Sex Talk Realness, Cosmopolitan.com spoke with three women about their experiences with having strap-on sex and why it's unlike anything else.
How old are you?Woman A:Twenty-four.
Do you sleep with only men, only women, or a mix?Woman A:Only women.
Woman B:Only women.
Woman C:Men, women, and anyone in between.
How old were you when you first used a strap-on? Did you try it with a male partner or a female one?Woman A:I was 21 and a strap-on was my birthday gift to myself. I used it with my girlfriend.
Woman B:Only ladies.
Woman C:I was 25 when I first used a strap-on with a woman and I haven't looked back since.
What made you want to try it?Woman A:It was something I had been reading about on lesbian websites and it seemed like it would be a natural fit for our sex life.
Woman B:I don't know. Our sex is super fucking good and I think we just wanted to add something to it.
Woman C:I definitely have a case of penis-envy. I love my vulva/vagina, but ever since I was little kid, I've tried to imagine my clitoris elongating into a penis and how it must feel to put an incredibly sensitive shaft into a warm, moist vagina. Even though I knew I wouldn't be able to feel that with a strap-on dildo, I thought maybe I would be able to come close to the sensation.
How did you approach the idea with your partner?Woman A:I think I brought it up after seeing one in an episode ofThe L Wordone night, and then my girlfriend and I agreed that we wanted to try it, so I ordered one.
Woman B:I just brought the idea up to her. She was mad excited.
Woman C:The girl I tried it with first was as giddy and excited to use one as I was, and we used it pretty much as soon as we talked about it. We were both fairly inexperienced with women, but had had many sexual partners, so we were really excited to try all sorts of sexy things we hadn't tried before.
Describe what your first time using a strap-on was like. Woman A:I wore it first because I had always pictured myself being the one who would wear it (my girlfriend and I are both sort of tops). I didn't do a great job maneuvering it, and we didn't use enough lube, so then we switched to her wearing it and Ilovedit. I eventually got better at wearing it.
Woman B:Well, she's never been with a guy and it was a pretty big dildo, so I was kind of worried. She liked it, but I felt like I had no clue what I was doing. It's tiring as hell to use a strap-on though and I don't know how men who are on top do it. You slip and slide and go all over the place in the bed. I eventually just stood on the side of the bed and had sex with her that way.
Woman C:Oh, it was so awkward. It was sexy, but we both felt very clumsy. It was hilarious how both of us felt inclined to immediately start penetration really fast! It was like all the socializing from watching porn made by men, for men, came rushing back to us in that moment and we thought that's what we needed to do. I don't know about her, but immediate fast-screwing is not something I enjoy right out of the gate. It was also a little embarrassing in the moment when I realized I was trying too hard, so to speak. We also had trouble with the dildo popping out. I think it was a combination of not having enough lubricant and not being able to actually feel the dildo itself. Like, it's not like it was my actual penis inside her vagina, so I had trouble knowing how far to pull out or how far to push in. There was also a lot of giggling and apologizing. It was all hilarious and sexy!
What surprised you most about using it?Woman A:I was surprised that I wanted to be on the receiving end as much as I did.
Woman B:Just how tiring it was and also how useless I felt. She didn't come and I didn't feel anything.
Woman C:How powerful it felt. How aggressive I felt, even if I was going slowly or gently. It kind of scared me and excited me, and feeling like I had more power in the situation was a big part of that. I also hadn't expected to feel so powerful by just walking around with it on. It made me want to strut and flap it around.
Do you like to wear a strap-on all the time or just during sex?Woman A: Only during sex.
Woman B: No, just during sex.
Woman C: If I lived with a partner, I might put it on and wear around the apartment to make them laugh, but ultimately, no. I just wear it during sex because it's not exactly practical to wear it under clothing for me. I wear very tight pants.
At what point during sex do you put it on?Woman A: After both of us are wet and we both agree we want it.
Woman B: Beforehand. We usually know what time it is.
Woman C: Usually after we've been making out, having oral sex, fingering, etc. There's usually a period where one of us puts it on, then we go back to what we were doing before. This is a lot better than using it right away, since it gives us time to get back in the groove.
Do you and your partner trade off using the strap-on?Woman A:In my current relationship, I never wear it, but in my last relationship, I wore it exclusively. If she wanted to switch and have me wear it, I absolutely would.
Woman B:Absolutely not. She wants to switch off, but I don't want to. When I'm wearing it, I just love to hit that long stroke and I feel like I'm a pro at using it now.
Woman C:The woman I am seeing doesn't like being on the receiving end of strap-ons, so she usually uses it on me. I prefer it when she is on top, missionary style. When I'm using it, I prefer it when the woman is on top and I'm sitting up in a chair or on a couch. I find this minimizes accidental pop-outs.
Do you mostly use the strap-on for anal sex, vaginal sex, or oral sex?Woman A:We only use the strap-on for vaginal sex, because that's the quickest way to orgasm for me. We've tried it for anal but haven't gotten the hang of it.
Woman B:Just vaginal. She won't let me put it in her butt.
Woman C:Mostly for vaginal sex. I don't love anal sex and using a strap-on for oral sex really turns me off because the dildo just tastes like silicone.
Do you prefer sex with a strap-on to other types of sex?Woman A: If the goal is for me to have a guaranteed orgasm, I prefer for my partner to finger me, but if I'm trying to guarantee an orgasm for my partner, I'll perform oral sex. Still, sometimes I just really crave the strap-on.
Woman B: It depends on the day.
Woman C: I wouldn't say I prefer it. It's a different sensation entirely, and for me, mostly mental. My favorite thing in the world is to go down on women because I love the smell, taste, and texture of an excited vulva. But using a strap-on is like something else entirely. It's almost like I'm tapping into an entirely different aspect of myself.
Do you get any kind of stimulation from wearing the strap-on?Woman A:Yes, I used to get clitoral stimulation if I positioned the strap-on a certain way, but I always get some sort of stimulation (mental and physical) from being on top and being the "doer" whether we're using a strap-on or not. I have never orgasmed while wearing one.
Woman B:Not from the strap-on by itself, no. I have orgasmed twice while wearing one by accident. It was really weird.
Woman C:Not really. I still need to experiment with using a vibrating bullet at the same time as wearing the strap-on, but aside from mental arousal, the physical sensations are minimal. Sometimes feeling the woman's vagina clench around my dildo (I can feel the dildo tugging on the harness when this happens) also mentally arouses me quite a bit. Unfortunately, I've never orgasmed while wearing one.
What do you find pleasurable about using it on your partner?Woman A:I actually don't do the wearing with my current partner, but in the past, I would say I appreciated the "hands off" ability. I like being able to penetrate my partner and still get to touch her body and hold her and also watch her face.
Woman B:I really like to hear her moan and when we're missionary it's nice to stimulate her and also be able to actually kiss her and stuff, rather than just going downtown and being distant.
Woman C:I really like feeling powerful and imagining what it would feel like if the dildo actually were my penis. I also really enjoy the sounds women make when getting penetrated. I love feeling a woman's legs wrapped around my back. For me, it's about the mental fantasy that goes along with wearing a strap-on and the visual of watching a woman get penetrated. Also, we totally went crazy for doggy style with the strap-on. The female form from behind is just amazing.
People who have never used a strap-on might be confused about getting a blow job on your strap-on would be pleasurable. Have you ever done that? Woman A:I never have done it, but I can see the appeal, simply because I know that I get physical pleasure from touching my partner even when I'm not being touched.
Woman B:No, I haven't.
Woman C:I have, but I don't like it. I understand visually how it's arousing. I also understand how it's stimulating if you think about it from a power-dynamics perspective, especially if the person is below me on their knees giving me a blow job.
Have you ever had any mishaps while wearing it?Woman A: One time I ejaculated while I was on top and she was wearing the strap-on and it was messier than anticipated. I had ejaculated before but never with a strap-on in the mix.
Woman B: Well, sometimes we get into [having sex] and it slips out, which is typically hilarious, but you just have to keep going.
Have you tried different harnesses and dildos?Woman A: I've stuck with my original harness because I can't find another one like it (mine has nylon adjustable straps that go around the waist and under the butt). We've tried different-size dildos for vaginal and anal, but really only the one we currently have does the trick.
Woman B: No, we just have the one strap-on that we always use.
Woman C: I have a fussy vagina so finding the right dildo is definitely a journey. I need the best, softest, highest medical-grade silicone possible. Luckily, I was able to try on my harness before buying it, so I haven't had to struggle to find the right fit in that regard. I did try a rather lacy, lady-like harness with one partner, though, and it was incredibly comfortable. I felt like I was wearing super sexy lingerie with a penis! It was awesome. My current harness is more masculine. It has gold buckles and is made with dark brown leather.
When you break up with someone, do you change out your harnesses or dildos?Woman A: Confession: I haven't done that, but I'm anal (no pun intended) about cleaning it before and after using it. I have no issue interrupting sexy time to clean that sucker up.
Woman B: I've been in a committed relationship for three years now, so this hasn't come up yet.
Woman C: Oh, hell no. I'm not made of gold!
What do you think the biggest misconception about wearing a strap-on is?Woman A:The biggest misconception is that a strap-on is meant to mimic straight sex. It isn't. There are lots of ways to connect with your partner using a strap-on.
Woman B:That I want to be a dude and I wish I had a penis, which is absolutely not true. I really enjoy my vagina. The other misconception is that if she likes a strap-on, she'd like a real penis, so why not have sex with a real penis, but that doesn't make sense. We like each other. Not dicks.
Woman C:That it's only for lesbians. I think there's still a pretty intense taboo for heterosexual couples to engage in pegging (a woman wearing the strap-on to penetrate the man's anus). I think there's a large body of people who still believe if a man enjoys receiving anal sex, he must be gay or bisexual, but the fact of the matter is, there are pleasure centers in the anus available to all humans regardless of gender or orientation.
What tips would you give toCosmoreaders who are interested in trying a strap-on?Woman A:Don't do what I did and order one blindly online. Go into a store first, and look at the harnesses and dildos. Understand the different ways the dildos connect to harnesses (there are rings, some of them snap on, etc.) Andthen if you're embarrassed to buy one in the store, you can order online, but at least see them in person first. Also, use a good, water-based lube and lots of it.
Woman B:Please be in shape. I hear HIIT is great to build endurance.
Woman C:I think the best way to ensure a great strap-on experience is to go to your local sex shop in person. I know this can make people feel shy, but it will really help you get an idea of what your preferences might be. Sometimes you'll pick up a toy and just know it's not the right one for you. Depending on the shop, you might also have a chance to try on the harness to make sure it fits right before you buy it, which is a huge plus.
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